I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
