Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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