im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
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In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
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On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Come on in and take your pants off
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