Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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