Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
