All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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