I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
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It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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