We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
