you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
