wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
