Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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