Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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