I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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