I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
