My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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