if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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