Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
