So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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