Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
