Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
