i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
