Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
