If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
