My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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