There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
two words...techno handjob
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
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He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
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Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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