How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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