The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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