My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
