so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
