The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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