i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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