I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.