You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom