Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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