I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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