did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
