woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
