I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
