I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
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My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
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