Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
