So drunk its hurt
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
