Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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