I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
