When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize