Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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