By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
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I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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