sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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