it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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