I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
