I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
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