i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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