So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Randomize
