I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
