sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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