I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
